I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
