I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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