Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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