just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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