Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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