My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
