Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
