I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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