Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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