Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
