that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
