The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
