I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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