so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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