This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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