Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
