He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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