If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
