i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
