i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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