1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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