why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
