Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
