I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I cut my penus on the lid.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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