you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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