Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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