wakey wakey hands off snakey
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
