planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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