Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
40s are totally the cure
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
