shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
