I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
