Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
