I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
