A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
