Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
