Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
