i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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