We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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