so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
