WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
