i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
