my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
