i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
