I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
