I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
