I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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