Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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