im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
