So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
