I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
